update

just to let all you who have been reading this know - our friend Doug is doing much better.

a struggle of saddness

This morning I found out my husband’s best friend Doug attempted to take his life on Monday.

Two years ago, in February, Doug, was in a snowmobile accident. He amazingly survived. (The medical staff that saw him come into the hospital and worked with him over the next few days would call it a miracle). Doug was in a coma for three weeks and slowly came out of it. After much painful physical therapy and medical assistance (and millions of prayers) Doug was able to go home at the end of April. And a month later he was able to attend our wedding. Later that year he began to walk again – with the assistance of a brace for his left foot, and recently he has been able to walk on his own. Doug in a sense regained a life that was almost lost. A miracle recovery many would call it.

But Doug still struggles (and we struggle with him). For all the celebrations we have for the little steps he has taken physically, he has had an ominous struggle with depression. Doug has, for most of his life, been an incredibly in charge, witty, quick, highly intelligent man. And while he is still witty, intelligent and quicker than most – he has not been the Doug that we used to know.

This last Monday, Doug attempted to take his life. Feelings of pride and confidence have been overtaken by hopelessness and loss of self worth. The past few months have been a trying and tiring time for his family, and many of his close friends live far away.

At this point, I am at a loss. I don’t know how to be a support to Tim. I don’t know how to best support Doug and his family. I don’t know how to be useful. I know all the things about letting people know that I am thinking of them and praying, but that feels like so little. I don’t know how this will affect our lives here. I do know that it is at times like this when I feel I have a better understanding of how insignificant so many of our concerns really are.

It is at times like this that I wish that this community that I am trying to bring together was already established and I could go to someone’s house and cry for Doug and his wife and their children and have others sit with me and cry for Doug and his wife and their children.

Although Doug survived his accident, there has been great loss. Each time we hear from him it is a reminder. And we struggle to let go of our expectations of who Doug was and find ways to love who Doug is. We want to love this man who has been a sacred part of Tim’s life for the better part of 20 years, and we do. Which is why it is painful to listen to his sadness, to hear him struggle, to feel helpless, to be helpless.

“There is a time to weep and a time to laugh and a time mourn and a time to dance” (Ecc 3:4) and as much as we want to dance – we also want to know how to live in the weeping.

ahhhhh life is good

ok - so while this is not the first time I have been standing on a board it IS the first time that I was up for more than a few seconds AND someone was there with a camera. It just doesn't get much better than surfing in January!

Balance and Action

We returned on Monday evening from our trip to Colorado. It was a great time with cousins Ben and Beth, and Ben. It is always helpful to have conversations with people who I am close to in explaining more in depth about what I am doing. And going over again the questions of vision and how missional church starts are so different . . .

But the real deal is that I am home again with no broken bones and Tim and I are still talking!!! (When your husband tries to teach you to do something that he is good at there is always some tension). My cousin Ben gave me a short lesson in snow boarding at A Basin on Saturday (my last few runs of the day – on the bunny hill). And I finally understood what I was doing wrong and what I could easily fix. After this many times on the slopes you may think that I would have figured it out – I knew there was something I was missing – but didn’t quite know what. Although those who know me best won’t be surprised – what I was missing was BALANCE. Basically staying low to the ground. When I get anxious I tend to straighten up and then it is easier to lose balance – as well as getting hurt when hitting the ground. But by having faith in my abilities, and myself and by staying relaxed, it was much more fun, and I did a lot better.

And while we did not get a chance to get out again for me to practice more – I have been thinking more about this whole Balance/low-to-the-ground (next time we go I will be like an old pro – or hack).

Balance seems to be an issue that keeps coming into all of out lives – and as I think about it, as we are able to stay relaxed balance becomes a natural outcome. But when we get frustrated, tense, upset, we tend to become rigid and we are more susceptible to injury, or worse.

In terms of church planting – (which I think is more naturally suitable to me than snowboarding) this whole balance thing is important to remember. Balancing time, people, personalities, expectations, and of course traditions and creativity – while keeping with the convictions that we as Christians hold in being followers, nay DISCIPLES of Jesus.

How does that all happen? I think first and foremost it is again the reminder that God has called me to be me. Second it is the balance of recognizing my own convictions alongside of being attentive and listening to the stories, the cries, the laughter and the lives of those who I am in contact with in this community, while attempting to name where God is active and enter into God’s story. While this may not seem like much – there are some amazing things that come out of being attentive and willing to be open to following where God may be calling.

two things

Two things I learned/relearned/have epiphanies about today . . .

1 – on the subject of “selling myself” in order to start a church. I always though that idea was a little bogus – plus it made me feel really uncomfortable – and frankly doesn’t really sound like me – So I am learning again to re-write the story – make it my own – my own descriptions/verbs/actions – and basically the God story of my life.

So as I go about my work I find myself finding me. I am about being where God is calling me (or trying to pay attention and attempt to be where God is calling me). One of the most helpful pieces of advice that keeps re-surfacing through a variety of people and in a variety of places is that God made me who I am – and all I need to do is to be me. Frankly there are a time when that is really easy – and there are times when that is really hard – but it is a whole lot easier to be me – than trying to be someone else.

2 – I learned today that it is possible to find fun and purpose in things that I actually do not excel at. (Or at least I am told that this is possible.) This is a foreign concept for me. I have learned that I am much more competitive than I like to think I am - and I enjoy doing things with others in which I can either come alongside them and/or lead. I get frustrated being left in the back – or when others have to wait for me . . .

All this comes from a weekend of snowboarding possibilities. Last spring I broke my wrist and was fairly incapacitated for a few weeks. It was not fun. And although I am a little concerned about getting hurt again – I am more concerned that I have not yet been able to excel at this sport. This will be my 4th season (granted I have probably hit the slopes on a snowboard less than 8 times) and I feel the necessity to be doing better.

So check out the story as it unfolds next week – can I learn to be myself on the slopes and have fun – or do I learn to be myself and quite doing things that I don’t particularly enjoy (even if it means giving up time with my husband).

Peace

What is Your Life Story?

“Every moment
we can decide
to respond to an event or a person with joy.

To choose joy
does not mean to choose happy feelings
or an artificial atmosphere of hilarity.

But it does mean the determination
to let whatever takes place
bring us one step closer to the God of life.”


-Henri Nouwen, in "Embraced by God's Love" daily readings
copyright © 1977 Doubleday Publishing


A few weeks ago I had a delightful conversation with a few members from a neighboring community. The words we used had more to do with peace - but this was a great reminder for me. It is we who choose what the events of our lives mean to us. We give them meaning, we tell our stories. And in the end - the story that is told the most often becomes our reality.

Stories, then, start as a description of the events of our lives and become our "life story" - all out of a few little steps.

Something to think about . . .

Incarnation

OK – here is one of those things that I think about, chew on – come up with a theological stance and then wonder – “Am I still Lutheran” and then when I mention it to someone else I realize that what I have said is probably really redundant and the whole world has come to this realization before me. – That being said – I am still going to put this out there – it would be nice to have some conversation.

So I am reading – "The Shaping of Things to Come" - (you can websearch the book for some book reviews - and yes I know I am late on the bandwagon for this one). I really have a hard time reading it slowly – partly because I feel like I am in deep with these ideas they write about and I crave more insight, and partly because I am in this stuff over my head and feel the need to hurry up and do everything at once (it is not a book that helps me to slow down like a good novels)

I wasn’t too far into the book when I came across this . . .

“When we talk of the Incarnation with the capitol I we refer to that act of sublime love and humility whereby God took it upon himself to enter into the depths of our world, our life, and our reality in order that the reconciliation and consequent union between God and humanity may be brought about. This “enfleshing” of God is so radical and total that it is the bedrock upon which rests all subsequent acts of God in his world. A halfway house on the way to God would not do for a lost humanity, and so God had to come down to man, not halfway but the whole way.”


Ok – so here is what I am thinking – I don’t think that God was any less a part of humanity before Jesus nor is God any less or more a part of the world now. (and I know I am getting picky here more about language – but that is our medium) I have been thinking about these phrases in practical terms – if we say that God lowered God self to human standards in Jesus and we are to be like Jesus – the imagery that comes to mind is that those of us who have lived a life of privilege “lower” ourselves to be around those less fortunate. and who is to say who is less fortunate and in what respect. . . it feels to humanly contrived - It just doesn’t jive with me. Not that I don’t believe in the Incarnation, it just was something that struck me . . .

Tim and I were talking about this and he commented that he thinks in many ways God is "above" us – but the image that comes to my head is this physical “aboveness” like God at some point was not really "here" – and then I realize this is maybe more of a personal struggle. What gets me is that God chooses ways to be revealed so that we might understand (among a host of other reasons I am sure).

This might not make sense yet - I am still chewing on it all.

Just some thoughts to put out there – (I am stopping now because if I go further I may not be able to stop)

Peace

stretching me . . .

It has been a strange few weeks in a number of ways
Creating community, moving to a new house, welcoming guests, being welcomed as new members of a neighborhood, getting calls from old friends from out of the blue, connecting with people in all sorts of strange ways, but mostly for me it has strange that I feel I have moved a couple of “clicks” in my vision both of what I am doing and what is going on around me.

Simply put – I am being stretched in ways that I did not imagine or even consider.

You could stop reading there if you like – or stay with me for a few examples.

I have been reading “Don’t Think of the Elephant”
Alongside "The Rapture Exposed"
And "A Million Little Pieces"
(which at least helps me focus on something else)

I am a liberal, twin cities girl, with a background in English, German and team building living in a math/science culture with a high regard for conservative religion and conservative politics (very few of whom happen to speak german)

So I have been though the drill of convincing myself that there are others like me here, and then to the position that there is no on e like me here and I have now found myself at a turning point.

Of course I had the grandiose ideas that I was coming to give this community their salvation – what mission developer doesn’t have a little of that in them? I realize how backwards I can be sometimes – and I find myself watching and listening to the voice of God calling for change in me. I am also here to listen and to learn and to grow.

Who would have thought the queen of generalizations would be called into a community of scientists and mathematicians? Who would consider that a young woman would be called into a community, which holds the premise that we need a “father-figure” to rule over us?

So I am learning, and leaning and connecting and finding my way, finding God’s garden in the scientific world. Does anyone have a good reference to Quantum Physics?

body prayer

I have been working my way through the book Body Prayer

For someone who is a spiritual leader, prayer has never been high on my list of gifts, mostly because I need to move around. We have been taught to sit still and pray – and I have found in my life that I listen better – and process better – with some kind of movement.

This book is a great example of how we can live our lives more fully in prayer. Doug and K.P. take you through a series of prayers and prayer postures, which can help to guide and enhance how we pray.

I have been able to take these postures and prayers use them in my daily practices (putting lotion on my hands, yoga postures, surfing, how I sit or stand when I talk with others . . .) and they have become reminders both of God’s presence and that I can pray in all that I do.

We so often think that when we pray we need to drop everything and concentrate only on that one thing – and while I think that is a wonderful way to practice a prayer life – it has never completely fit for me.

Check it out – it’s a great resource.

read a book, share a story

I had a conversation with my sister the other day about books. Well, it was actually about her coming to visit in a few months and her comment went something like this –

“I might stay for something like 10 days, but you don’t have to worry if you get sick of me, you can just go do your own thing. I have learned to be able to entertain myself. I can read books”.

Now, this may sound completely normal to you, but my sister is an extremely, extreme extravert. She is very intelligent – and it wasn’t until this point that I realized that she really never liked to read books. (one of those things that I inherently know, but it was never really that important to think about). Then she went on to tell me about a book she has been reading (a million little pieces). She has now read it at least 3 times and she wants to read it again. “It is so good” she says. And now she insists that I read it, so she can talk to me about it.

My husband Tim has also been doing more reading lately. He reads a lot of stuff by and about Lance Armstong – but his latest favorite has been a book about the spiritual journey of U2. “We should all read this and then listen to the music and discuss” he says to me and our housemates.

As for me – I love to read – but I have been wondering lately about the necessity of all of us needing to read the same things. What happened to story telling? Why can’t someone just tell me about a book and then we can talk about what that means for what we think and how we see the world? Why do I have to read everything? I guess there is something to this shared experience stuff.

When Tim and I first got married we went through this devotional book together. Neither of us liked it, but we thought that we needed to be attentive to our spiritual life. When we finished that first book, we picked up another – but this one was not a devotional book (per se) instead it was “A Walk in the Woods” by Bill Bryson. I read to Tim every night until we finished that book – and then we read another. There was something about that time we had together that was meaningful and interesting and very spiritual for us. We share now that story as part of our lives together. And what it did for us was raise our awareness of those things we thank are important, and opened up places for us to discuss our beliefs, concerns, dreams and even our faith.

I guess shared stories come in a variety of forms in the different stages of our lives together. It has been a good reminder for me about various ways to live these stories of our lives and learn more about one another. It is another way to open doors to our souls.

Read a book! Share a story

our friend Adam (our first visitor here!) 

the october times

In the following pictures you will see a few of the places that we have been and things we have been up to.

They are not in chronological order - but they all are from the last 2 weeks.

Tim and I went to Hawaii to see the Ironman. It was amazing for both of us to see these people working hard! And then to be able to spend time on the Big Island and learn about the history ecology of Hawaii. It was moving for us both.

When he got back our friend Adam called to say he was in town for a conference so we managed to have dinner with him - and a short tour of San Diego.

Tim's brother Jon also had a conference (in LA). We went to pick him up and then Tim and Jon went right to the beach to surf. It was a cold day - -I stayed home and made soup.

The next week I was in Palm Desert with leaders in the Pacifica Synod. I was commissioned - along with 2 other colleagues - for our work in new ministry starts.

It has been a whirlwind adventure these past few weeks – and we are looking forward to being able to explore more of this part of the country, – not to mention having visits from friends and family.

palm desert 

Tim and Jon (Tim's brother) coming in after surfing 

Faris - beginning the run 

watching the sunset the night before the ironman 

akaka falls near Hilo, Hawaii 

Peace

"Responsibility does not only lie with the leaders of our countries or with those who have been appointed or elected to do a particular job. It lies with each of us individually. Peace, for example, starts within each one of us. When we have inner peace, we can be at peace with those around us". - the dalai lama

if you get a chance - the last song on jennifer Knapp's "lay it down" album is called "Peace".

What we do . . .

My husband, Tim, suggested to me the other day, how nice it would be to come into work in the morning (when he is still half asleep) and see an email with a reminder of our faith journey. I know a number of pastors and ministry cultivators send out daily devotions. And kudos to them. It is a difficult discipline. I am not sure I could keep up the pace. Although, I agree a quote and a bible verse or a song or a word (one simple word) is a great reminder in the morning - as we start our day - what it is that we value and who it is that we are.

a thought
quote
phrase
song
scripture

(any or all of the above) for the day. I think that working together we could create something simple. So suggestions are more then welcome, they are humbly requested.

Here are some thoughts for today . . .


"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit" - Aritsotle

Ephesians 5
1Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children . . .

15Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. 18Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.


Peace to you . . .

green and blue

This last week has been amazing for me. Monday I got a ton of paperwork out of the way, Tuesday and Wednesday this week were great. I got to meet some wonderful people. I met a woman who is thrilled to be able to be included in planting a church, I got in contact with a guy who is a triathlete and who's wife grew up at this church that is supporting me, I made great connections with other churches in the area who want me to come and work with their congregations . . . good contacts, great meetings, fun ministry opportunities, and not to mention some great workouts!And then yesterday afternoon I started to feel a little sick and last night and this morning I have been going over the "requirement" stuff for new ministry starts and now I am feeling lousy not only with this cold, but with all the stress of the things I think I need to/"should" get done.

So I am naming this day - the green and blue day - green for being sick and blue for being stressed. On the upside, the remedy that has seemed to work for this kind of cold (at least according to Tim and Jeff) is some vitamin D, and a good salt water gargle, along with enough time to make sure everthing is flushed out properly. In other words -
"Surf's Up!"
Not to mention how that might help with stress in general.

The Santa Anas are here - so it is a hot day - and good to be in the water.