Monday, February 27, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
a struggle of saddness
This morning I found out my husband’s best friend Doug attempted to take his life on Monday.
Two years ago, in February, Doug, was in a snowmobile accident. He amazingly survived. (The medical staff that saw him come into the hospital and worked with him over the next few days would call it a miracle). Doug was in a coma for three weeks and slowly came out of it. After much painful physical therapy and medical assistance (and millions of prayers) Doug was able to go home at the end of April. And a month later he was able to attend our wedding. Later that year he began to walk again – with the assistance of a brace for his left foot, and recently he has been able to walk on his own. Doug in a sense regained a life that was almost lost. A miracle recovery many would call it.
But Doug still struggles (and we struggle with him). For all the celebrations we have for the little steps he has taken physically, he has had an ominous struggle with depression. Doug has, for most of his life, been an incredibly in charge, witty, quick, highly intelligent man. And while he is still witty, intelligent and quicker than most – he has not been the Doug that we used to know.
This last Monday, Doug attempted to take his life. Feelings of pride and confidence have been overtaken by hopelessness and loss of self worth. The past few months have been a trying and tiring time for his family, and many of his close friends live far away.
At this point, I am at a loss. I don’t know how to be a support to Tim. I don’t know how to best support Doug and his family. I don’t know how to be useful. I know all the things about letting people know that I am thinking of them and praying, but that feels like so little. I don’t know how this will affect our lives here. I do know that it is at times like this when I feel I have a better understanding of how insignificant so many of our concerns really are.
It is at times like this that I wish that this community that I am trying to bring together was already established and I could go to someone’s house and cry for Doug and his wife and their children and have others sit with me and cry for Doug and his wife and their children.
Although Doug survived his accident, there has been great loss. Each time we hear from him it is a reminder. And we struggle to let go of our expectations of who Doug was and find ways to love who Doug is. We want to love this man who has been a sacred part of Tim’s life for the better part of 20 years, and we do. Which is why it is painful to listen to his sadness, to hear him struggle, to feel helpless, to be helpless.
“There is a time to weep and a time to laugh and a time mourn and a time to dance” (Ecc 3:4) and as much as we want to dance – we also want to know how to live in the weeping.
Two years ago, in February, Doug, was in a snowmobile accident. He amazingly survived. (The medical staff that saw him come into the hospital and worked with him over the next few days would call it a miracle). Doug was in a coma for three weeks and slowly came out of it. After much painful physical therapy and medical assistance (and millions of prayers) Doug was able to go home at the end of April. And a month later he was able to attend our wedding. Later that year he began to walk again – with the assistance of a brace for his left foot, and recently he has been able to walk on his own. Doug in a sense regained a life that was almost lost. A miracle recovery many would call it.
But Doug still struggles (and we struggle with him). For all the celebrations we have for the little steps he has taken physically, he has had an ominous struggle with depression. Doug has, for most of his life, been an incredibly in charge, witty, quick, highly intelligent man. And while he is still witty, intelligent and quicker than most – he has not been the Doug that we used to know.
This last Monday, Doug attempted to take his life. Feelings of pride and confidence have been overtaken by hopelessness and loss of self worth. The past few months have been a trying and tiring time for his family, and many of his close friends live far away.
At this point, I am at a loss. I don’t know how to be a support to Tim. I don’t know how to best support Doug and his family. I don’t know how to be useful. I know all the things about letting people know that I am thinking of them and praying, but that feels like so little. I don’t know how this will affect our lives here. I do know that it is at times like this when I feel I have a better understanding of how insignificant so many of our concerns really are.
It is at times like this that I wish that this community that I am trying to bring together was already established and I could go to someone’s house and cry for Doug and his wife and their children and have others sit with me and cry for Doug and his wife and their children.
Although Doug survived his accident, there has been great loss. Each time we hear from him it is a reminder. And we struggle to let go of our expectations of who Doug was and find ways to love who Doug is. We want to love this man who has been a sacred part of Tim’s life for the better part of 20 years, and we do. Which is why it is painful to listen to his sadness, to hear him struggle, to feel helpless, to be helpless.
“There is a time to weep and a time to laugh and a time mourn and a time to dance” (Ecc 3:4) and as much as we want to dance – we also want to know how to live in the weeping.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
ahhhhh life is good
ok - so while this is not the first time I have been standing on a board it IS the first time that I was up for more than a few seconds AND someone was there with a camera. It just doesn't get much better than surfing in January!
Balance and Action
We returned on Monday evening from our trip to Colorado. It was a great time with cousins Ben and Beth, and Ben. It is always helpful to have conversations with people who I am close to in explaining more in depth about what I am doing. And going over again the questions of vision and how missional church starts are so different . . .
But the real deal is that I am home again with no broken bones and Tim and I are still talking!!! (When your husband tries to teach you to do something that he is good at there is always some tension). My cousin Ben gave me a short lesson in snow boarding at A Basin on Saturday (my last few runs of the day – on the bunny hill). And I finally understood what I was doing wrong and what I could easily fix. After this many times on the slopes you may think that I would have figured it out – I knew there was something I was missing – but didn’t quite know what. Although those who know me best won’t be surprised – what I was missing was BALANCE. Basically staying low to the ground. When I get anxious I tend to straighten up and then it is easier to lose balance – as well as getting hurt when hitting the ground. But by having faith in my abilities, and myself and by staying relaxed, it was much more fun, and I did a lot better.
And while we did not get a chance to get out again for me to practice more – I have been thinking more about this whole Balance/low-to-the-ground (next time we go I will be like an old pro – or hack).
Balance seems to be an issue that keeps coming into all of out lives – and as I think about it, as we are able to stay relaxed balance becomes a natural outcome. But when we get frustrated, tense, upset, we tend to become rigid and we are more susceptible to injury, or worse.
In terms of church planting – (which I think is more naturally suitable to me than snowboarding) this whole balance thing is important to remember. Balancing time, people, personalities, expectations, and of course traditions and creativity – while keeping with the convictions that we as Christians hold in being followers, nay DISCIPLES of Jesus.
How does that all happen? I think first and foremost it is again the reminder that God has called me to be me. Second it is the balance of recognizing my own convictions alongside of being attentive and listening to the stories, the cries, the laughter and the lives of those who I am in contact with in this community, while attempting to name where God is active and enter into God’s story. While this may not seem like much – there are some amazing things that come out of being attentive and willing to be open to following where God may be calling.
But the real deal is that I am home again with no broken bones and Tim and I are still talking!!! (When your husband tries to teach you to do something that he is good at there is always some tension). My cousin Ben gave me a short lesson in snow boarding at A Basin on Saturday (my last few runs of the day – on the bunny hill). And I finally understood what I was doing wrong and what I could easily fix. After this many times on the slopes you may think that I would have figured it out – I knew there was something I was missing – but didn’t quite know what. Although those who know me best won’t be surprised – what I was missing was BALANCE. Basically staying low to the ground. When I get anxious I tend to straighten up and then it is easier to lose balance – as well as getting hurt when hitting the ground. But by having faith in my abilities, and myself and by staying relaxed, it was much more fun, and I did a lot better.
And while we did not get a chance to get out again for me to practice more – I have been thinking more about this whole Balance/low-to-the-ground (next time we go I will be like an old pro – or hack).
Balance seems to be an issue that keeps coming into all of out lives – and as I think about it, as we are able to stay relaxed balance becomes a natural outcome. But when we get frustrated, tense, upset, we tend to become rigid and we are more susceptible to injury, or worse.
In terms of church planting – (which I think is more naturally suitable to me than snowboarding) this whole balance thing is important to remember. Balancing time, people, personalities, expectations, and of course traditions and creativity – while keeping with the convictions that we as Christians hold in being followers, nay DISCIPLES of Jesus.
How does that all happen? I think first and foremost it is again the reminder that God has called me to be me. Second it is the balance of recognizing my own convictions alongside of being attentive and listening to the stories, the cries, the laughter and the lives of those who I am in contact with in this community, while attempting to name where God is active and enter into God’s story. While this may not seem like much – there are some amazing things that come out of being attentive and willing to be open to following where God may be calling.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
two things
Two things I learned/relearned/have epiphanies about today . . .
1 – on the subject of “selling myself” in order to start a church. I always though that idea was a little bogus – plus it made me feel really uncomfortable – and frankly doesn’t really sound like me – So I am learning again to re-write the story – make it my own – my own descriptions/verbs/actions – and basically the God story of my life.
So as I go about my work I find myself finding me. I am about being where God is calling me (or trying to pay attention and attempt to be where God is calling me). One of the most helpful pieces of advice that keeps re-surfacing through a variety of people and in a variety of places is that God made me who I am – and all I need to do is to be me. Frankly there are a time when that is really easy – and there are times when that is really hard – but it is a whole lot easier to be me – than trying to be someone else.
2 – I learned today that it is possible to find fun and purpose in things that I actually do not excel at. (Or at least I am told that this is possible.) This is a foreign concept for me. I have learned that I am much more competitive than I like to think I am - and I enjoy doing things with others in which I can either come alongside them and/or lead. I get frustrated being left in the back – or when others have to wait for me . . .
All this comes from a weekend of snowboarding possibilities. Last spring I broke my wrist and was fairly incapacitated for a few weeks. It was not fun. And although I am a little concerned about getting hurt again – I am more concerned that I have not yet been able to excel at this sport. This will be my 4th season (granted I have probably hit the slopes on a snowboard less than 8 times) and I feel the necessity to be doing better.
So check out the story as it unfolds next week – can I learn to be myself on the slopes and have fun – or do I learn to be myself and quite doing things that I don’t particularly enjoy (even if it means giving up time with my husband).
Peace
1 – on the subject of “selling myself” in order to start a church. I always though that idea was a little bogus – plus it made me feel really uncomfortable – and frankly doesn’t really sound like me – So I am learning again to re-write the story – make it my own – my own descriptions/verbs/actions – and basically the God story of my life.
So as I go about my work I find myself finding me. I am about being where God is calling me (or trying to pay attention and attempt to be where God is calling me). One of the most helpful pieces of advice that keeps re-surfacing through a variety of people and in a variety of places is that God made me who I am – and all I need to do is to be me. Frankly there are a time when that is really easy – and there are times when that is really hard – but it is a whole lot easier to be me – than trying to be someone else.
2 – I learned today that it is possible to find fun and purpose in things that I actually do not excel at. (Or at least I am told that this is possible.) This is a foreign concept for me. I have learned that I am much more competitive than I like to think I am - and I enjoy doing things with others in which I can either come alongside them and/or lead. I get frustrated being left in the back – or when others have to wait for me . . .
All this comes from a weekend of snowboarding possibilities. Last spring I broke my wrist and was fairly incapacitated for a few weeks. It was not fun. And although I am a little concerned about getting hurt again – I am more concerned that I have not yet been able to excel at this sport. This will be my 4th season (granted I have probably hit the slopes on a snowboard less than 8 times) and I feel the necessity to be doing better.
So check out the story as it unfolds next week – can I learn to be myself on the slopes and have fun – or do I learn to be myself and quite doing things that I don’t particularly enjoy (even if it means giving up time with my husband).
Peace
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